Free Feedback on "Unlocking Innovation”
Hi Andile,
Thank you for submitting your essay for feedback. I'm excited to offer this to friends of David Perell and Write of Passage. You can look forward to:
- Written feedback on structure and flow
- Notes on clarity and concision (at the sentence/paragraph level)
- "The One Thing" to focus on if you were to revise this piece
- And a video overview of my feedback.
My goal is not just to give you feedback that would improve this single essay but to give you feedback that, if you apply it to future projects, would make you a better writer (by helping you become a better self-editor).
I'm going to work through the drafts in the order they were submitted (you're fifth), and I'll have feedback to everyone within the next two weeks.
Your friend in prose,
Garrett Kincaid
The One Thing
Ground your abstract ideas in specific examples.
I explain more of what I mean by this and call out certain instances below, but here is a resource you might find helpful: Roy Peter Clark on the Ladder of Abstraction.
Notes
- First, to answer your question, I think this piece would benefit from a case study. or an anecdote. I suggest choosing whatever type of example is more apt. Find a case study, for instance, of an African businesses that created a strategy around connection and networking and found opportunities that helped their business grow.
- As I said above, this article needs more concrete examples and more concrete, specific words even, to make your meaning clear. There were many times I didn’t know exactly what you were talking about and had to guess. A case study or example early on would help me understand exactly what you mean by “connectivity.”
- It’s a good instinct to include the podcast as a resource to learn more, but by the way it’s framed right now, it’s not clear how it relates to what you’re talking about. And it remains conceptual, rather than offering a concrete example. Is there a case study from that podcast (or from some other source) that you can paraphrase in your article, both to make the podcast more relevant and to ground your argument?
- Beware of jargon. One of the reasons I found your meaning to be muddy and hard to descipher was because of all your abstract, undefined terms, or jargon. Now, I don’t exactly know who your audience is. Depending on your reader, they may know what you mean. But here are a few excerpts that stand out to me as vague, regardless of your reader:
- The good news here is that this isn’t a problem with the content of what you’re saying. It’s mostly about your word choice. Just be sure to define your terms. And where it’s possible, use cocnrete, specific langauge to describe an abstract term/topic.
- For instance, I’m left wondering “How do you nurture a strategic tool?” and “What does it mean for a network to emerge” and “How can connectivity be an asset, and what does it mean to have an active asset?”
- Here’s an example of where you try to define the term “sovereign media assets,” but you use abstract language to do so, which leaves me without a clear idea of what you mean. What channels and platformed aren’t “controlled by individuals or organizations”? Are you contrasting sovereign media assets with government-owned media assets?
- Finally, focus on one main idea that you think is most clear and would be most valuable to your reader. I felt like I didn’t get to dive deep into any one of your ideas, since there were too many. Narrow the scope and go deeper on fewer ideas — one main idea.
- For instance, here’s something I find interesting and would like to know more about:
- This is a counterintuitive type of connectivity.
“This playbook positions connectivity not as apassive assetbut as an active,catalytic strategic tool—one that must benurtureddeliberately and consistently. I propose this guiding concept for anyone seeking to drive meaningful entrepreneurship or intrapreneurship on the continent.”
“Therefore, a network's health is reflected in its capacity for emergence, which drives systemic health and adaptability.”“It meansembedding connectivityinto the daily routines of both individuals and organisational structures, fromfounder brandingand corporate media asset development to team-wideritualised ecosystem engagement.”
“Equally critical, we established, is the need to supportopen content collaborationsandecosystem engagement platformsthat are intentionally safeguarded against the influence of special interests.”
These are media channels and platforms owned and controlled by individuals or organisations, ensuring autonomy over content and direction.
Market intelligence: Maintain continuous market listening and intelligence gathering. This practice informs executive decision-making and strengthens your network’s ability to adapt and thrive in an unpredictable market.